Cowboys vs Giants
Welcome to the 2012 NFL season ladies and gentlemen. It has been a long offseason with plenty of wheeling and dealing going on; blockbuster trades, huge cuts and the millionaires asking for bigger paychecks. There is no better way to start the season than a home opener for the Superbowl Champions against a division rival and that is what our homeslice Roger Goodell has given us. The New York Football Giants against the Dallas Cowboys. These aren’t the Cowboys of the early 90’s. Jimmy Johnson is popping ExtenZe to the point that his dick might explode, Emmitt Smith is combing Just for Men through his gray hair and Troy Aikmen is renting TV’s alongside Hulk Hogan. Giants fans are almost giddy to see Tony Romo trot out onto the field alongside Felix Jones and Jason Garrett, who walking with a slight skip in his gait due to Jerry Jones’ fist up his ass. Jason Witten is waiting for his spleen to pop just like their playoff and Superbowl hopes for the past seventeen years. If there was ever a time to chant Cowgirls, now is it.
Right now it has to be the calm right before a rogue wave rocks New Giants Stadium. There’s gonna be a sea of Blue rolling through the Meadowlands; fans, coaches and players counting down the minutes till they can once again drown the dreams of Cowboy Nation. The Octopus, JPP, will be coming around the blindside, while Tuck is covering all the holes; just when you think you found a safe spot to breath Osi flies in to flush you out. The Giants have one of the most, if not the most, suffocating core of DE’s in the league. They are just breeding talent so much that they are stacking previous first round picks to use in Nickle packages (step it up this year Kiwanuka!). When, not if, the Giants get their first sack tonight I expect the stadium to fucking explode! I know everyone will be out of their seats, screaming their heads off; while Jerry Jones sinks back into his wondering who to blame next and how big the next screen he puts in his stadium should be.
Finally, we’ve got some All-Stars on our offense who don’t need to wear some bullshit stars on their uniforms. Elite
Eli is manning the helm
(Not intended, but it’s there anyway), throwing ropes and dodging sacks like Neo in the Matrix. He might have an IQ lower than his number while doing interviews, but the dude could lead my troops any day. (Let’s just hope he keeps his fourth quarter TD stats, but not because we need to come back). The time is now for Ahmad Bradshaw, he underwent surgery this offseason and got rid of a 265 pound tumor on his back. He will be taking almost all the snaps with Ware and Wilson splitting time behind him. Let’s see what the Fire of our old “Earth, Wind and Fire” can do. The biggest hopes that we have this season may rest within the enormous hands of my favorite WR duo in recent memory. We need Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz to remain healthy, especially with Nicks coming off a broken ankle and promising “It’s not that it’s perfect, but it’s nothing that is going to stop me from playing.” When you are busy covering him, you might want to watch out for our undrafted WR from UMass who is Salsa City dancing right up in your grill. Along with the Boos that will be bellowing down upon the Cowgirls, and the dipshit Scab refs, you will be hearing something similar… CRUZZZZZZZZ. The champ is lightning in a bottle ever since his huge 80 yard catch in the preseason against the Jets. So I hope that I am with a couple million fellow New Yorkers who will be slamming some beer and wings, while cheering on our men in the Red, White and Blue.
Star-Spangled Banner… Fireworks… Raise the Banner… Beat the Boys. Repeat later this season.
LET’S GO GIANTS!
PS- Do we really have a guy nicknamed the Black Unicorn on our team?